


Third Thursday of the Month

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Accidental Incest, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, thanks for that moffat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-29
Updated: 2011-07-29
Packaged: 2017-10-21 21:58:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor's version of Leadworth isn't that much like the real one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Third Thursday of the Month

_There was something wrong with the world._ The thought was in his head when he woke up. He grabbed onto it as it tried to slip away, turned it over a few times, but like all dream thoughts it didn't make any sense to the waking mind. How could the world be _wrong_?

It was still dark outside, but he didn't think he'd be able to get back to sleep. He slipped out of bed, careful not to wake his wife, and headed to the bathroom.

The morning piss was one of life's simple pleasures, he thought contentedly as he washed his hands after taking care of his bladder. He hoped that everyone was aware of this, though he could understand why people didn't like to talk about it.

He turned the tap off and looked at himself in the mirror above the sink, careful to hold his head at the angles that made him look most attractive. He noticed something odd about his eyes and leaned forwards for a closer look. _The eyes are always the last thing you get used to_. He pulled himself upright and blinked. Getting used to his own eyes? They were the same as they'd always been, surely?

 _There was something wrong with the world_.

He still half-asleep. That was it. He wasn't as awake as he'd thought. Oh well, back to bed for an hour or two.

He checked his eyes again in the mirror, but they didn't seem strange at all.

 

He ate his cornflakes slowly. No rush, he had the morning off. There was training today, but the Doctor was excused because he already knew everything there was to know about his job. He had smiled proudly when the manager announced this, earning himself death glares from the other two employees. Not to worry, he knew they liked him really.

He stopped gazing at nothing and his eyes focussed on the salt and pepper in the middle of the kitchen table. They'd been a wedding present from a maiden aunt, but there was something _else_ familiar about them. He picked up the salt shaker and examined it with long fingers. The little dome at the top and the way it curved out towards the bottom like a long skirt. He sat it down on the table and slid it across the wood. The way it sort of glided along...

"Oh, you are _not_ putting salt on your cornflakes again."

He looked up, startled, and saw River standing in the kitchen doorway tying her hair up into a ponytail. He held up the salt shaker. "Does this remind you of anything?"

She walked over and looked at it with not much interest. "I suppose it does look a bit like a sex toy."

"Oh." He put the salt back down on the table. "Salty cornflakes were a flawed experiment, I'm not doing that again."

River kissed his forehead and fluffed his hair a bit. "You're strange, but I love you anyway."

"Do you want some cereal?"

"I'll pick something up on the way to work, I'm running a bit late. Oh," she said, "and I hope you've got everything sorted out for tonight?"

He blinked at her. "Tonight?"

River gave him her most long-suffering sigh. "Third Thursday of the month, Sweetie. And it's your turn to pick up the supplies."

"Sorry. Slipped my mind completely." He held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "I'll get the stuff, I promise."

"See you later, then. Love you."

"Enjoy the undergraduates," he called as she left.

 

The post was late again. He sorted through it with the door open for a bit of fresh air. Bills and what looked like an early birthday card for River. There was something from IKEA, but it was unlikely to be especially interesting. He dumped the letters by the phone and stepped outside.

A rolled up newspaper hit him in the face.

"Ace!" He glared at the teenager at the end of the garden path. "You're supposed to put it through the letterbox!"

She shrugged and started off down the street. "Sorry, Professor."

"Kids, eh?" said Rory.

The Doctor looked at his neighbour over the fence. "I blame society," said the Doctor.

"I blame television. Are we still on for tonight?"

The Doctor nodded. "I've got everything sorted out."

"You forgot again, didn't you?" Rory looked more amused than anything else. The Doctor liked Rory.

"I didn't... yeah, I did."

"About 9ish?"

"Yeah. It'll save me having to watch the news."

 

"Afternoon, Mrs Shaw. You look lovely today. That blue rinse really suits you," he added with a saucy wink.

"Oh, Doctor, you're young enough to be my grandson!"

"You don't look a day over sixty. What can I help you with?"

Mrs Shaw produced an envelope from her bag. "How much to post this to Switzerland?"

The Doctor eyed the envelope carefully for a few seconds. "Fifty-nine pence," he decided. "Go on, pop it on the scales." He glanced at the display on his side of the glass and grinned at his customer. "Fifty-nine pence exactly."

She took out her purse and sorted through loose change. "I still don't know how you do that."

"Post Office secret, I couldn't possibly tell you."

"None of the others can do it."

He shrugged. "I just really love this job."

 

"You have no idea how jealous I am of your husband," said the Doctor.

Amy straddled his hips. "And I," she said, "am so turned on that if you don't shag me right now I'll explode."

"I don't think that can actually happen. I mean.... _oh_..."

 

"Can we do that again?" asked Amy as they lay together afterwards.

"Course we can. Third Thursday of the month."

"I mean before that."

"No," he said, firmly. "If River found out that I've even _thought_ about it..."

Amy sat up. "We should run off somewhere, just the two of us."

"Where would we go?" And why was the idea so tempting?

"Anywhere. Everywhere."

"Don't be silly."

 

"Sometimes I wonder how people would react if we told them," said River as they waited for sleep.

"It'd end up in the local paper. Everything ends up in that thing. Someone spills tea on a library book and it's on the front page for days."

"Maybe they wouldn't care. Might not be scandalous enough."

He stared at the ceiling. "Wife-swapping in Leadworth. Who'd have thought it, eh?"

 

The Doctor woke up in the TARDIS. The others lay where they'd fallen asleep, and he knew he should check on them but he was just so. Bloody. Tired.

"The worst thing about being a figment of your imagination is that you're so _boring_."

"Not this again," said the Doctor, trying to keep his eyes open. He slapped himself in the face. "Wakey-wakey, rise and shine."

The Dream Lord crouched down next to him. "Not yet, Doctor. You've got a lot of work to do if you want ruin all those people's lives."

He was asleep before he hit the floor.

 

"Hello, Miss Smith! Hello, K-9!"

"Morning, Doctor," said the dog.

The Doctor smiled and shook his head. Sarah Jane was always telling people that her little grey terrier was a pedigree dog, but if you knew anything about dogs you could tell. There was just something about him that gave it away.

He greeted the line of old ladies outside the Post Office with an apologetic grin. "Slept in, sorry. Really weird dreams." He unlocked the door and they filed in. Pension day.

 

He met Amy on his lunch break and they sat on a bench eating cheese sandwiches.

"We need to get ducks," he said.

Amy swallowed a mouthful of bread and cheese. "What?"

"For the duck pond. I can't stand it anymore. It's not right, not having any ducks." No one else cared about the duck pond, but it was slowly driving him mad, he could tell.

"Why do you work in a Post Office if you're a doctor?"

He stopped looking at the duckless pond and looked at Amy instead. "Where did that come from?"

She shrugged. "I've always meant to ask. Could you not get a job in a hospital? Did you kill someone by accident?"

"I'm not that sort of doctor. Actually I'm not any sort of doctor."

"So it's just your name?"

"Course it's not my name! My name's..." And he _definitely_ knew his own name, it was just that it couldn't remember it off-hand. That was normal, everyone forgot their own name sometimes. "The point is that there's nothing wrong with working in a Post Office."

"I suppose."

He stretched his arm out along the back of the bench and started toying with the ends of her hair. That was okay, wasn't it? People were always air-kissing and touching each other's hair. "Why are you a kiss-a-gram?"

"Where else would I get a job?"

"You could work in..." He looked around. "The fire station. You could be a fire-fighter. I think you'd be really good at that. The flames would go with your hair."

"Don't be daft. Anyway, I like kissing people."

"Yeah. Yeah, you do like that." He stared at her mouth, thought about kissing her every third Thursday of the month.

Amy licked her lips.

The Doctor stopped looking at her mouth and pulled his hand away from her hair. "Stop it."

She adopted her most innocent expression, the one she used when she was pretending to be a nun. "Stop what?"

"You're married, and I'm married, and we're not married to each other. So stop it."

"Everyone has affairs these days. It's normal. People expect it when they get married."

He stood up. "I've got to get back to the Post Office. Tegan's probably crashed the computers again. You can finish the sandwiches."

 

Visits to the pub were comfortingly formulaic. Rory would beat him at darts, they'd win a couple of quid on the quiz machine (the Doctor knew science and history, Rory knew medicine and sport), they'd be careful not to get too drunk, and then they'd walk home a decent number of hours before closing time.

"Your wife's really good in bed, did you know that?"

Okay, maybe Rory was a _bit_ too drunk, but that was his own fault for drinking that blue stuff.

"Yeah, I did know," said the Doctor, "I've slept with her myself once or twice. And keep your voice down, do you want people to know?"

"Sorry," said Rory, at a more acceptable volume. "It was a good idea, though. It does spice things up a bit. I thought I'd be jealous, but it's not like Amy loves you. It's not like you love her."

"Course not," said the Doctor, lightly.

"Sometimes I worry about her leaving me for another bloke," said Rory, one of the world's confessional drunks. "Jeff, maybe. He's always had a thing for her."

There were a few people in Leadworth who had never forgiven Rory for marrying Amy. Sometimes the Doctor suspected that Amy was one of them.

"She'd never run off with someone else," he said. "She loves you."

"What about River?"

"I doubt Amy's going to leave you for River."

"That's not what I meant." Rory nudged him. "I wouldn't mind seeing that, though. Amy and River. Having sex with each other."

The Doctor had some thoughts of his own on the matter, which were rather elaborate and detailed. "It doesn't seem very likely."

"Amy made me throw out all my lesbian porn when we got married. She said it was stupid."

"That's what the internet's for," said the Doctor. He wondered if River would let him come in her mouth tonight.

"Women, eh?"

"Yeah," said the Doctor. "Women."

 

"Can you change this into Euros for me, dear?"

"Not a problem, Mrs Noble. Going on holiday, are you?"

"I'm going to Ireland," she said with a wrinkly smile.

He counted out the bank notes. "Have you got a boyfriend there? Younger man?"

"He's my son, Doctor!"

He winked at her. "I believe you." He passed her back one of the notes. "This _is_ a Euro, Mrs Noble. You must have had it left over from last time."

"Is it?" She peered at it though her specs. "Oh dear, I suppose I should get my eyes checked again."

"Here you go, 100... 200... 300... 350 Euros." He pushed it to her under the glass. "Be careful with that, I know it doesn't look like it, but it's real money. Lots of real money."

She nodded and put the money into her handbag. "I was saving up for my funeral, but most of the people I know are already dead."

"You've got years left in you. Next!"

"Hi, Doctor."

"Hello, Amy. What are you looking for today?"

"How much to post a letter?"

"Where to?"

"Umm..." She drummed her fingers on the counter and drew her lower lip in her mouth. _Amy on her knees, sucking on his cock_. "Zimbabwe?"

"Why do you want to write a letter to Zimbabwe?"

"I just do." She leaned forwards, pushing her chest out a bit. Her top was low-cut and she wasn't wearing a bra. _The way her breasts felt in his hands. They way they tasted. The way her nipples hardened in his mouth._ "It's important."

"You'll want air mail, then."

She licked her lips. "Yeah, that would be _really good_."

"How big is it?" he asked, deciding to play along.

"It's not stupidly big, but it's not small either. It's just about exactly the right size for me."

"Okay, Amy, here's what you need to do."

"I'll do anything you want."

"Go home, take your letter, get an envelope, and very carefully open the envelope with your fingers. Don't be shy, get them right in there. Slide the letter into the envelope, carefully, but hard enough to get it in there nice and deep. Then you lick the sticky bit of the envelope, running your tongue over it until it's all nice and wet, and then..."

Amy was flushed. She leaned over the counter eagerly. "And then?"

"And then you seal the envelope, write the address on it, and bring it back to the Post Office."

She blinked. "What?"

"Should I write it down?"

Amy glared at him. "I can post my own letters, thanks."

The Doctor smiled at her and watched her go, staring at her mini-skirted arse as she left the Post Office. _Bending her over, taking her from behind._

"That girl is _weird_ ," said Tegan, who always listened in on other people's conversations but luckily didn't always understand them.

"She's certainly something," said the Doctor. He excused himself to go to the toilet and had a quick wank in the staff bathroom.

 

"And then Barbara said... are you even listening to me?"

River was lying on the sofa with her feet on his lap. It was the sort of thing people did when they were very happily married and not thinking about shagging other people outside of a very specific mutual arrangement.

"Course I was listening. Barbara had a fight with Ian because he wouldn't... umm... I think it had something to do with spying on their students?"

"It had nothing to do with spying on their students!"

"Sorry. I was thinking of... stuff."

River moved to press a foot against his groin. "I think it's fairly obvious what you were thinking of."

Amy. Kissing Amy, coming in Amy's mouth, doing her from behind with her bent over... something with a typewriter and taps?

"I was just remembering that first time with the handcuffs," he lied.

River moved her foot back to where it had been and stretched a bit against the sofa. "I'm tired," she said. "Deal with it yourself."

"I was just going to ignore it," he said. " _Come Dine With Me_ 's on in a minute."

"Hmm," said River. "Any chance of a foot massage?"

 

"Is there something wrong?" asked River when they were in bed later that night.

"Not that I can think of, why?"

"You just seem a bit odd lately. Odder than usual."

He shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Good." She was silent for a few minutes and then she said "When you make love to Amy -"

"I don't make love to Amy, I fuck her. It's not the same."

"Alright, when you fuck Amy, how do you feel about it?"

"That's against the rules," he told her. "Your rules. No talking about what we were thinking."

"You're right, I shouldn't have asked."

He turned onto his side to look at her. "Do you think we should stop? We shouldn't be doing it if it upsets you."

"It doesn't upset me. Usually it's a turn-on. You with another woman, me with another man."

"I've thought about you and Amy together," he admitted.

River rolled onto her side. "You'd want to watch, I imagine."

He touched her arm, stroked the skin with his fingertips. "Well, obviously."

"And then we invite you to join us?" she asked with an amused smile, putting a hand on his chest.

"Wouldn't be much point to me having the fantasy if you didn't," he said mildly.

She shifted towards him. "I've thought about you and Rory."

"Just me and him or with you there as well?" Her hand travelled down across his stomach, slipping across to his hip at the last possible moment. He slipped a leg between hers.

"Oh, both." She brushed her lips against his but didn't quite kiss him. He reached between her legs and stroked her curls. She pressed against him. "You're hard."

"And you're wet."

"Two things that go very well together." She pulled him over on top of her and kissed him. She traced his lips with her fingers and moaned quietly when he sucked them into his mouth. "You're such a slut, Doctor."

"Isn't that why you married me?"

 

"It's getting there," said the Dream Lord, "but it could do with a few more complications."

 

The Doctor stopped as they walked past the blue box. "And why," he asked, "do we have this?"

Amy glanced at it, not bothering to conceal her disinterest. "It's art?"

He shook his head. "No. No, it isn't. _This_ is a police call box."

Amy pointed upwards at the writing over the door. "Yeah, that's what it says."

"I looked it up on the internet. These things used to be all over the place. The police used them to communicate with each other."

"Why didn't they just use their wee radios?"

"They didn't _have_ radios, this was decades ago. There's hardly any of these things left. So why do we have one in Leadworth?" He grinned at her triumphantly.

"What is it with you? Why do you have to find problems where there aren't any?"

"Is this about last week? Because us being married to other people _is_ quite a big problem. And I'm _happily_ married, I love River."

"Yeah, that'd be why you fucked me on the kitchen table when she was in Milton Keynes."

He didn't really have an answer for that one. He _would_ have an explanation eventually, but he hadn't quite got there yet. "You started it," he said, pathetically.

"Whatever," said Amy. "I said I'd meet Jenny when the school comes out. She hates walking back on her own."

He frowned. "Who?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "Jenny? Your daughter? And you'd better sort something out with the Post Office, because I'm not your fucking babysitter." She glared at him, icy and deadly. "I'm not your fucking anything, am I?"

 

"Jenny, stop that!"

"I'm _bored_."

"Then get a job."

"Dad, I'm ten years old. There are laws against that sort of thing."

He was certain that he'd had a daughter before today, but the entire situation felt new. Which was stupid. She'd been born and she'd had birthdays and all that sort of stuff. There were lines on the wall of her bedroom where he'd marked her height as she got taller. And yet...

The door opened and interrupted that train of thought.

"Mum!"

"Oh, thank God," said the Doctor. He met River in the hallway and kissed her, took some of the bags she was carrying.

"Has she done her homework yet?"

"She was just about to," lied the Doctor. "Can we get an au pair? Please?"

"Young, blonde, sleeps in the spare room in a nice big double bed? Terribly innocent and possibly with a thing for Post Offices?"

"I was hoping for a brunette, but I'm not fussy."

"What's an au pair?" asked Jenny.

"It's French for temptation," said River. "Anyway, he's just being silly. Now do your homework before I get cross."

The Doctor watched Jenny run off to the living room. "Why is it that she listens to you but not me?"

"I'm a lot scarier than you are."

"What's for dinner?" he asked.

River stared at him until he gave in.

"Fine," he sighed, "I'll sort something out. You really are the scary one, aren't you?"

 

"Monday's a bank holiday," said River over dinner. "I thought we could visit my mother."

"Your mother hates me," said the Doctor.

"Fine, you can stay and catch up on the DIY. We got that new bookcase months ago and it's still in the box."

"The instructions are probably in Swedish."

"Use your initiative." She smiled at their daughter. "You haven't seen your gran in ages, have you?"

Jenny looked up from hiding her vegetables under each other. "Will I get to feed the chickens?"

"Nothing fizzy, you know what happened last time."

Jenny and the Doctor looked at each other. "BOOM!"

River glared at her husband. "It wasn't funny!"

"It was a _bit_ funny," said the Doctor.

"I swear you put her up to it."

He pretended to be hurt. "Why would I do a thing like that?"

"Because you're odd."

 

He jumped over the fence as soon as the car was out of sight. Amy answered the door in an annoyingly unflattering bathrobe.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"You were right. About the kitchen table and me being a git about it."

She leaned against the doorframe. "Really?"

"I'd like to make it up to you." He smiled at her, trying to look seductive. "River's gone away for the weekend. She took our walking advertisement for contraception with her."

"So you're looking for a dirty and very adulterous weekend?"

"Tempted?"

"Very."

"You're wonderful, do you know that?"

"I'll pop round in a bit, I'll need to put some clothes on first."

He couldn't just kiss her on her doorstep, so he grinned at her instead. "Nothing with too many buttons."

"Doctor?" she called as he jumped the fence.

"Yes?"

"I probably won't bother with my knickers."

 

"Three days," he told her between kisses. "Three days of peace and quiet and whatever kinks we can think of."

"And then what?" she asked, as he helped her get her clothes off.

"We'll work something out."

She pushed him backwards towards the bed. "Shag now, talk later."

He could absolutely make this work. Sex with Amy. Lots of sex with Amy. He just had to be discreet about it. How difficult could that be?

She kissed him and lifted her hips towards him. When he slid into her she tilted her head back and fisted her hands in his hair. Her legs tangled around him and hard, she liked it hard. She wasn't anywhere near as fragile as she looked. The fact that they shouldn't be doing this at all just made it even better.

She came as loudly as she always did, and maybe she'd have to hold back a bit in future but they had three days before that. All those things he'd been thinking about for years, they could do all of them and then some. He thought of her in River's handcuffs and almost came just from that. Not yet, though, not yet. He never wanted this to end.

"Doctor!"

"Oh, Amy. I've always loved you."

"No, it's... River."

"What about her?"

Amy pushed him off her. River was standing in the doorway.

"Shit," he said.

"Don't mind me," said River, "I was just leaving."

"You're not even supposed to be here!" complained the Doctor, hoping that might somehow mean that this hadn't actually happened.

"I was almost on the motorway when I realised I'd forgotten to lock the back door. You never remember to lock that. So I had to come back. I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night."

"River, I can explain..."

"You really, really can't." She left the room and he heard her half-running down the stairs. He pulled his trousers on to follow her.

"Doctor -"

"Shut up, Amy."

 

He caught up with River as she left the house. "It's not what you think. Okay, it _is_ what you think, but -"

"I'm sure you'll be very happy with Amy."

"What about Jenny?" Their daughter sat in the back of the car watching them. She waved at him.

"You can send money in the post. I'm sure you can get hold of a stamp."

"River, please. I love you."

"That's funny, because I don't feel anything for you at all." She walked to the car. "And don't try calling either of us."

"You can wake up now," said the Dream Lord.

The Doctor turned to face him. Everything clicked back into place. "That's it? That's all you're going to do? Break up an imaginary marriage?"

"Oh, _I_ didn't do anything. That was sort of the point."

 

The Doctor woke up. That was it, he was putting some sort of pollen filter over the console.

He got his feet. "Is everyone alright? Don't worry if you hurt anything in your sleep, Rory's a nurse and I've seen every episode of _House_."

Rory glared at him and helped Amy up from the floor. She and River moved a bit further away from each other than they really had to.

"Okay, I'm sorry about my subconscious, but didn't you smile at the bit with the dog?"

Rory was the first to break the uncomfortable silence. "You and Amy -"

"That was a dream," said the Doctor. "You're a nurse, you know what dreams are."

"That was _not_ a normal dream."

"Okay, fine, I have a twisted imagination. So? It's wasn't real, it doesn't _matter_."

"I think it sort of does," said Rory.

Right. Fine. Rory was going to be all jealous about it, of course he was. "Amy, talk some sense into him."

There was silence. The Doctor turned to Amy. She looked shaken, but she'd probably enjoy being the sensible one for once. He took a step towards her and she flinched, she actually flinched.

"Oh, Amy, not you as well."

"You told me to shut up," she said quietly. "And you..." She tailed off.

"Do none of you people ever have dreams?" he asked the room in general. "Amy, you can't possibly think I'd do any of that stuff."

Rory took Amy's hand. "Leave her alone." The two of them headed off out of the console room. The Doctor watched them go and decided that they'd see sense after a bit of time on their own.

"Any cutting remarks?" he asked River. She hadn't said anything yet and that was probably a bad sign. "You can slap me if you want, it's probably more satisfying."

"I wouldn't leave you just because you slept with another woman," she said.

"Which I didn't even do, but apparently that's a trivial detail."

"You're scared of me being possessive, but that's not really a surprise."

He looked at her carefully. "You're not upset?"

She shrugged. "Comes with the territory. It's not like any of that was the worst thing you've ever done." She touched his shoulder. "You do understand that they might leave after this?"

Yes. No. Why would they do that? "Which part of 'it was just a dream' are people not understanding?"

"Probably the part where Amy thinks you only want her for sex, Rory thinks you'll try to take her away from him, and I think your career fantasies are utterly bizarre."

"None of those things are true!"

"They're true _enough_." She took his hand. "Don't worry, if they do leave I'll stay for a bit."

He didn't want to think he needed sympathy, but he held her hand anyway.


End file.
